GREETINGS from Planet Muffdiver

Ahhhhh lesbians. I love ‘em! Who doesn’t? In the words of the wise wordsmith Drake, “Do you like girls like I do? Lez-be-honest.” Yes, lez be. They are great. For starters, they like girls and they ARE girls, at the same time. As a girl, I cannot express what a chore it is to genuinely LIKE other girls. I mean even just a little bit, like as friends. Most girls, sadly, are retarded. Now that doesn’t mean that they can’t have fun! Retarded girls actually tend to have the MOST fun because they are so fucking retarded they don’t even register the things going on around them. It’s the whole “ignorance is bliss” thing except that, in this case, “ignorance is retarded and retarded people seem pretty happy.” I would like to take a moment here to explain that in the case of Ellen and her hot wifey Portia di-whatever, they are both pretty awesome and NOT retarded, and for the record, I would be gay with either of them at any given time. Heck, I would grant both of them BONER AWARDS if I thought they were interested. The only reason I used their picture is because when I google image searched “lesbians” it was just a bunch of porn, which is disappointing. There were not any pictures of just like, two attractive lesbians chilling out together, havin’ lunch, going clubbin’, whatevs. The internet is a technological manifestation of a very dirty, old man. FOR SHAME!

So, I’m on Facebook the other day, just like any other day where I am lonely and obsessively on any number of social networking sites… when I notice this ad:

What the shit is that? Do lesbians have a special way of GREETING one another that simply cannot be done with a normal greeting card? It’s not like Hallmark is stocked up with cards that say stuff like “Hello heterosexual friend, just dropping you a line to express how much I am down with the fact that we are both only interested in sexual relationships with those of the opposite sex. Good day!” I’m not sure who is in charge of these lesbian cards but I would love a chance to write for them. Here are a few lesbian greetings I have been working on:

Normal lesbian greeting card:

Dear girlfriend,

I love your vagina a lot. Being gay with you is better than being gay with anyone else I have ever been gay with in the past. Here’s to a promising lesbian future with you!

Scissors & kisses,
Martha.

Romantic lesbian poetry card:

To my beautiful lady from another beautiful lady:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
When we are in bed
I go down on you.

Then you do it to me, too
And you have a different technique
But it’s still pretty good
Then we watch the L Word
And share some snacks.

Love,
Diana

Lesbian birthday card:

Happy Birthday to my Dearest Lesbian!

Another year has come and gone, but you are still really pretty. I think it’s funny that we can go out and people just think we are two cute girls that are just friends, but then when we get a little drunk we start making out and all the dudes in the place are like WHHHHOOOAAA! It makes me feel good to know that dudes are still into me, even though I’m totally gay for you now.

Happy Birthday!

What do you think? If you are a lesbian, please let me know if I touched base on the delicate dynamic of two girls in love. I feel like I have a lot to offer the gay community, in the way of greeting cards.

Ho Ho Ho from Boner Town

I fucking hate the holidays. I hate watching everyone get stressed out over stupid shit. I hate the cold weather. I hate the long hours of tedious retail work I put myself through. I hate having to explain to people that I’m not doing anything “for Christmas.” I hate the feeling of a year coming to a close and the sensation of not really having accomplished anything, other than physically aging. My list of grievances with this time of the year goes on & on, but of all the things I have ever hated in my life, I hate HATE the most. I hate that it requires so much time and energy. I hate the fact that your life becomes consumed by it. I hate the part where you are finally able to step back for just a minute and realize what a meritless chore it is to hate. That is the fork in the road. You are able to pick your route. You can keep yourself buried in the shit, or you can take the proverbial “high road” and move on to a happier place. It seems like such an easy choice. I mean, you would have to be a fucking idiot to choose to remain miserable, right? So why is it so hard? Even if you do decide to take the happy path, there is a detour every mile or so. Little fiery pit stops of misery that we tip toe through, just to see how sad we can get? I guess we all like a bit of pain every now and then. We are so privileged that we go out of our way to create our own struggles. We are the most ignorant beings to ever exist. So Merry Christmas, you fuckin’ heathens.

What PHRASES say about YOU

There are a lot of really dumb phrases and sayings that people like to use. They are mostly to make things more complicated and confusing. People who use them think they sound cool, but really they just sound like they don’t really know how to explain shit without the help of things they have already heard other people say.

Here is a list of commonly used phrases and a description of the type of person who uses such:

In the same token…

This basically means “at the same time,” and is used by people who can’t make up their minds. Typically, the confused individual will explain how they feel about something, and then they will say “but in the same token,” and proceed to explain how they also feel the exact opposite of what they just said. You may as well just say the first part and then add “and I’m also a liar.” Here’s an idea: how about, when there are two ways to feel about something and you feel both ways, you shut the fuck up. You can tell me how you feel about shit after you have one solid idea, ok? (see also: “I’m not racist, but…”)

Don’t beat around the bush.

This means “just get to the point,” which is pretty ironic considering it is a vague and symbolic way of telling someone to stop being vague and symbolic. I think that this phrase is used by people who hate women. I decided this because I like to take things at face value in order to dissect and laugh at them. Instead of beating around, or near the bush, this idiom suggests that you beat directly on the bush. This, naturally, invokes images of someone brutally attacking a hairy vagina. Thus, only people who wish harm on ladies use this saying. (see also: bushwackers)

Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

I have no idea what this shit means. It is used by fucking idiots. It seriously makes no sense. I looked it up and it said something about not being ungrateful, but there is no obvious hint to that at all. What the fuck is a gift horse? Who is looking inside horse’s mouths? This phrase literally translates to, “Don’t be a horse dentist.” The only logical explanation here is that a retarded person came up with this and other retarded people keep it alive, and I mean retarded as in straight up mentally challenged.

I’m not racist, but…

This phrase means “I’m totally racist,” and it is used by racists. How it works is that you just say, “I’m not racist, but,” and then you proceed to say something blatantly racist. It’s pretty simple. Go ahead, try it out. A simpler way of using this phrase is to just say, “I hate,” and then insert your favorite race to hate. An even more simple way is to just punch yourself in the mouth. Go ahead, try it out.

Kitty, Daisy, & Lewis

I had read about Kitty, Daisy & Lewis in a BUST magazine a while back, and I meant to look them up but I forgot. Luckily, my boyfriend (who is both the reason I am subscribed to BUST & far more focused than me. !UPDATE! i no longer have a boyfriend because he changed his mind about me, or something. nice job me, for putting my personal life on the internet, like an idiot.), also read about them and DID take the initiative to look them up. They are an amazing band composed of three siblings. Kitty, Daisy, and Lewis are 16, 21, and 19 (respectively). They are so awesome that they make me want to have three kids, which is a pretty monumental thing for me to say, seeing as my desired number of children has been at a steady ZERO forever. If there were a way to guarantee that my trio of offspring would turn out to be half as talented as these three, I might actually consider impregnating some lady with my ovaries. Until then, I’m just going to pretend I’m related to this band.

Heck yeah! Look at us jam! BRITANY & Kitty, Daisy, & Lewis. We so awesome.

November 6

Yep. It’s official. I am 300 months old.

BONER AWARD #3: Dana DeArmond

Dana DeArmond. Do you know who she is? She is the reason for the season, and the season is giving you a boner.

You might know Dana’s boyfriend: the internet. She runs her OWN blog at theinternetsgirlfriend.com. I always describe Dana DeArmond as “my favorite porn star,” which is totally true because she is my favorite person who does porn.. but I am honestly not super familiar with her work. I really just like HER. I mean, I have seen some of her scenes and they are definitely hot, and she is definitely better at it than 90% of the porn actresses out there.. but the real draw is that she is HILARIOUS and SMART and REALLY ATTRACTIVE all at the SAME TIME. That powerful combination of AWESOME is why she deserves a million BONER AWARDS!

I came across Dana’s MySpace a few years ago and was taken aback, first by her style, and then by her hilarious “Mail Bag” videos where she reads messages she gets from fans (and various weirdos) on MySpace. Most girls can relate to getting really weird/ridiculous/stupid messages online from random dudes.. so you can imagine how intense it is for girls in the porn business. Some of the messages are just people trying to hook up with her, like scheduling times for her to come have sex with them and promising her really grammatically confusing times.. like they totally assume that girls who do porn also have tons of free sex with anyone who asks. Some of them just say stuff like, “Hey girl send me nude pictures,” and then they include their phone number or email address. If you want to see Dana DeArmond nude, I suggest googling her. No phone number or credit card required. Pretty sure having nude pictures on the internet is part of being in the porn business. In fact, and I may be mistaken here, but I think she has actually been in VIDEOS nude… like with her VAGINA exposed and everything!!

One time I saw this clip of one of Dana’s movies where she is supposed to be at the dentist. At one point, Dana is on her knees and the dude who is supposed to be the dentist is putting his fingers in her butt. He says something cheesey like “Yeah I got 4 fingers in there, what do you think about that?” To which Dana replies, “I think you’re not really a dentist.” It was hilarious. She should be the president of ad-libbing.

Another reason why Dana is BONERworthy, is that she has NOT ONE, but TWO SPHYNX CATS! Those are the hairless ones that look like really adorable wrinkly old men with bat ears and rat tails. These cats get a lot of guff about how they look, which is retarded because people love human babies and THOSE things are really ugly. I would take a thousand hairless cats over a single human baby. Dana gets lots of people asking her why she shaved her cats. Next time I see a baby without body hair I’m going to ask it’s mother why she had her baby waxed.

So if you like humor or porn or hot chicks or any combination there of, I highly suggest you follow Dana on Twitter. You will not be disappointed, unless you say something really dumb to her.. at which point she will make you and her 9000 followers know what an idiot you are. So don’t be a cockbag.

Here is Dana accepting her BONER AWARD. I made her a special one with a crown & a ribbon because she is officially Boner Town royalty.

Happy Halloween

Last night, after being told that both Kroger and Wal Mart were sold out of pumpkins, I finally was bestowed a pumpkin via the helpful hand of Shanden’s boyfriend. Then, the carving commenced!

The two lady friends I carve-partied wit did these really amazing intricate images that involved paper tracing & lots of time. Behold: Shanden & Charlsie’s pumpkins (respectively)

My pumpkin, however, took like 10 minutes and looks like a retarded child who has no idea what a penis looks like did it. Behold: my magical two-sided jack-o-wack

HAPPY HALLOWEEN FROM BONER TOWN

Boyfriend Tracker

Yet another gem of an ad I came across on MySpace. I regret not clicking on it. I’m not totally sure what they are offering here. Maybe you can implant your boyfriend with a chip so you can keep track of him on some sort of GPS device. If he is inside another woman an alarm sounds and the chip sends painful electric shocks through his body. That is the way to a happy boyfriend.

If there is one thing I learned from my years of dating, it is that boyfriends LOVE to be kept track of at all times. They are also really big fans of having their email looked through. If you have the capacity to incessantly nag them about their whereabouts and intentions with any females within a 50 mile radius, then you are on the right track to a fulfilled and loving relationship.

Here are some tips on how to capture your OWN personal boyfriend:

1. Seem very easy-going at first. Don’t get moody! Do anything he wants you to, even if you don’t want to. It is important to not reveal your true self to a boy until you have him secured as “yours.”

2. Once you have made the boy agree to be your boyfriend, make sure you lock it in by insisting he change all of his social networking sites to TAKEN. If everyone on Facebook doesn’t know that you are “in a relationship,” then you basically are not in one. Don’t even date a boy if he doesn’t have a Facebook, he is a player.

3. Now that you officially have a boyfriend, it is time to let him know how crazy you are. Start slow. Look through his phone when he isn’t in the room. If he catches you, just pretend you were doing something innocent, like playing Tetris. If he says he doesn’t have Tetris, break up with him.

4. After a while of unsuccessfully figuring out his MySpace password, make a big fuss about how he is obviously hiding something from you. He will likely get frustrated and just give you access to his account. If you don’t find anything suspicious it is because he either is not doing anything scandalous, OR he is totally fucking around on you and already went through and deleted all the evidence because he knew you would look through it. This is very likely because all boys are shady and only want to hurt you.

5. Even if you don’t find anything bad, be sure to still go through and delete any female friends whom you find threatening. The best way to narrow that down is to just assume he thinks all his female friends are prettier than you. This will solidify your ongoing insecurity.

6. When out in public, accuse him of looking at other girls. If there aren’t any other girls around, accuse him of THINKING about other girls. This will justify your need to look through his text message and call history on an hourly basis.

7. Wow, I’m not really sure how to advise from this stage. I have never gotten this far with a boy. Is he still with you? Jesus christ what a pussy. Well shit, I guess you landed your dream guy. This is probably what your mom was talking about when she called him a “keeper.” Um, I guess just keep instigating ridiculous arguments with him.. and if he ever tries to leave I think you can pretend to be pregnant or something.

Modeling: you’re doin’ it wrong.

Are you really good at looking like a very angry black girl, and then later, with the help of hair weave, looking pretty? Well, this ad I found on MySpace has got the career for you!

Or maybe you are more of a creative type who is really good at looking mildly handicapped in H&M ads. Not sure? Here is a little test to help: do you enjoy decorating yourself in a ridiculous amount of garments and then standing like your legs are mega-reverse bo-legged AND you are trying really hard to keep something from falling out of your butthole? If you answered YES, then you could be the next face of FASHION!

Hey girl on the right! You look so dumb! Not only does that heap of crap make you look bad, but standing like THAT is not selling it. The clothes look like they were stolen from a homeless man. The “pose” looks like it was stolen from someone with some serious bone structure deformities. Congratulations, fashion.

Boner Award #2: EMMA STONE

It takes a special something (or someone) to follow up the cactus in the Boner Award category, but ladies & gents, have you SEEN this Emma Stone? Prepare your boner for liftoff in 3, 2, 1

You may recognize this lil hottie from such films as Superbad, House Bunny, Ghosts of Girlfriends Past (if you are a complete queer), The Rocker, and the currently in theaters ZOMBIELAND!

There is more to this girl, though. I mean if I just went around handing out Boner Awards to every hot actress I saw this place would be a mess. Emma Stone, from what I have expertly gathered from various internet sources (Wiki & IMDB) is also really funny & awesome. My first clue was that we have the same birthday. She is 4 years younger than me, which is annoying, but it is impossible to be born on November 6th and not be completely amazing, like me, obviously. Then, as if I needed any further proof, I find THIS on wiki:

She gave a PowerPoint presentation to her parents, set to the Madonna song “Hollywood”, to convince them to let her move to California for an acting career.

How awesome is that? She convinced her mom to move from Arizon to Los Angeles when she was only 15 via a PowerPoint presentation. Amazing. She manages to be totally awesome all the while maintaining having this awesome face & hair & body… and that, my friends, is why Emma Stone makes my boner sparkle.

Special thanks to Ashley Burress for capturing Emma as she graciously accepted this prestigious Boner Award.

Ashley has an array of awesome photography you can check out & even PURCHASE! Visit the Seven Treehouses ETSY store to see her work! Ashley’s Etsy Shop! CLICK HERE!!