Be My Valentine!

Do you want to be my valentine? This is your chance! For a limited time only (starting right now and ending when I say so) YOU can enter to win a chance to be MY valentine! All you have to do is follow these simple steps:

1. Submit a picture (of yourself) to me at britanypracchia@gmail.com. Try to be attractive if at all possible. If you don’t feel very attractive, just send a picture of someone you wish you looked like and I will judge accordingly.
2. Include your name, age, height, weight, and a small description of how awesome you think I am.
3. Fill out this survey:

• What is your ideal date? Pretend we are on a date and describe what would happen. Use a lot of funny references that you think I will get, and be as witty as possible. Also include a short description of what you look like naked.
• What is your favorite color?
• If I lost a limb would you still like me?
• Do you have any cats?
• Are you good at kissing? Hugging? Sex? Baseball?
• Do you have any psycho exes I should be aware of?
• What type of girls are you into? Provide a short description of how pretty I am.
• Pretend it is my birthday AND you are really rich. What will you buy me?
• How long can you hold your breath?

I will look over all entries with a stern and romantic eye, so put some elbow greese into it! There are loads of bonus points available if you submit your entry in video form. I will announce the winner when I find him! Or her. I don’t wanna exclude anyone here. I got VD love for all yall lil boners & bonerettes! So go forth and submit! ♥

BONER TOWN PSYCH WARD

Court is now in session!

May the honorable Judge Britany now rise!

*gets boner*

Please be seated.

I received quite an array of questions since the last post where I asked you to send me questions. The short answer for all of you is that you are crazy. You plead insanity and you are guilty. Congrats! Wait, is this how psychology works? Did I mention I took some pre-law classes in college too? I had a very eclectic stint in college, from which I opted not to graduate, viewing their puny degrees as “below me.” By “below me”, I mean that I didn’t complete even a quarter of the required course work to qualify for a degree. The most important thing I learned while in college took place outside of the classroom, specifically anywhere outside that was not on campus at all. The lesson was that not going to college was more enjoyable than going, and that is something that has stuck with me, and will probably be a beacon of hope for many other young people out there.

Let’s get to the questions, then, shall we?

Question: Hi to you Britany
I write to you to discuss my boners. Boners I have many. I am quite proud. I live in Russia. The temperature is freezing. My question I have no place to put my boners. The attractive woman leave for America and because I am only man in my family I fear I must stay. Only stupid and overweight girls remain. Also ugly and dirty remain. Sometimes my boner will lie and tell them beautiful but my mind says to me no. I fear my boners may be discouraged and leave me. It concerns me much. Once I try to find homes for my boners online but it was much like when I urinate- I find it difficult to stop. The web page do not like this and block free communication weekend.
Please I must work to feed my family and have not time to be in your ward. Nearest vodka plant is 50 kilometer away. Please what must I do?

Much gratuity from ANONYMOUS

Answer: Whoa. My blog has reached RUSSIA level fame. OR someone who is really funny made this up and sent it to me. Either way, this is a win for me. My advice for this man is to purchase one of those pocket pussy things. If unable to obtain said device, try hollowing out an eggplant, smearing some jelly or gravy inside, and microwave it for a minute or so. Then place boner inside. It will be warm and squishy, which is the ideal climate for a boner.

Question: hey it’s me. you may remember me from all those penis ads i did. anyway i got this psycho/emo problem. until recently i had only been in relationships that were emotional abusive, leaving me feeling like i didn’t deserve love nor would anyone ever actually love me for who i am. subsequently leaving me hating myself and despising anyone around me that was happy. what do i do?

also can i see you again, and if so do you want to go to miami with me next weekend?

Answer: This is one of those issues that can only be solved with a stern punching to the head. I would also like to inform you that you are a homosexual. Your actual problem lies in the fact that you are denying yourself of your one true pleasure, and that is ding dongs, and kissing them. Ding dong kisses. That’s what you like.

Oh and yes let’s go to Miami and pick up hot dudes.

Question: i just cant seem to get the shit stains out of my underwear
can u help?

Answer: No, I cannot help. I can, however, let you in on a clever word people like to call these “shit stains” you seem to have trouble with. Skidmarks. BOOM I’m like your personal fuckin’ thesaurus up in this bitch. Oh and you are also gay. GOOD DAY, SIR!

Question: Dear Major of Boner Town,

I seem to have quite a perdicament on my hands. This travesty came in to my life very suddenly and has haunted me since. I got pulled over by a police officer. Trooper to be exact. But, I was pulled over for having a headlight out. No, biggy. I was being a little careless recently, as I once would drive with my brights on at night as to sidestep a situation as such. Nonetheless, I got a fix-it ticket for it. Still, no real problem. However, for reasons still not quite exactly known this officer decides that he would like to search my vehicle. I kindly attempted to persuade him otherwise. When he informed me that he had a K-9 in his car with him and would instead kindly walk the dog around my car. Turns out, I was carrying a glass pipe that still had a little bit of marijuana loaded into it. So he asked, after mentioning the dog, that if I would like to tell him about anything to go ahead and do it now. So, to avoid lying to a cop (which is something I would not suggest doing unless you have a hiding spot that neither man nor canine can reveal) I handed over the pipe assuring him there was nothing else being hid in my car. Now here is the part that gets me the most. I am currently attending Western Kentucky University. I rely heavily on the support of Financial Aid, which very much so prefer to help people without criminal records of any sort. Neither of my parents know, which will remain that way. And will probably cease to be so supportive, especially when it comes to school finances. So, please. Humor me. A the shit out of this. Please.

Answer: First of all, I am the MAYOR of this hurr Boner Palace, not the major. I mean, I am a major hottie, if that’s what you were referring to. Haha REFERring to. GET IT? That was a clever pun brought to your brain by the power of my intellect. Listen, you have a lot of problems. First, there’s this weed thing, then you spelled ‘predicament’ wrong, your comma placement is erratic, and you also straight up don’t make sense at some points. I feel ya, mang, we all got probz, ya dig? The problem with YOUR problem is that it’s too big. It’s totally harshin’ my mellow and tippin’ my bonger. You know what I like to do when my problems get too big? Toke up a big fatty dookie blunt. It’s called marijuana, kid, and you need to get hip to what I’m smokin’. If not now, then when? When you’re out of college and living some totally stable life with like a steady job and a righteous pad? CHYEEAHH RIGHT Smash those dreams, brah, because it’s 4:19 and I’m packin’ a bowl. Meet me in a minute over in the parking lot behind Home Depot, where I will be shopping later for some sweet PVC pipes and shit to make like this mega awesome steam roller bong. If that don’t work I can just put a shotgun in your mouth. Wait, I mean like, blow you a shotgun. That’s a weed thing, right? Look, what I’m trying to say is that you should move to California, get a medical marijuana card, obtain some fuckin’ bomb ass gritchy, then put that in your pipe, and smoke it.

Question: I have a problem I think. My donger is so amazing and brings so much pleasure to the ladies I fear those who experience it will never be satisfied with another donger ever again. I have nightmares about how many women have been ruined by my exceptional coital technique. Should I never make love to a woman again?

Answer: You should definitely stop making love to women… and start making love to men! That’s right, my friend, it’s true. Come on out of that closet and let’s go shopping! Buy some new outfits, because honey, you are FIERCE. Work it, boy!

Question: How do you trick someone into a relationship with you before they realize how crazy you are? AND how do you keep them after they realize that you’re totally crazy? Please expedite your answer because I have a date tomorrow and think I might want to snag this one.

Answer: You just pretend to NOT be crazy in the beginning. Don’t let him know how loony you really are until you have that dick on lock. DO NOT sign a prenup. Um, let’s see, what else? OH make sure you look really cute on the date, because dudes hate ugly. If you are REALLY hot, which you probably are because you read this blog, then you can actually get away with being pretty fucking crazy for a while. Men are stupid and just want arm candy to go out clubbing with and shit. Good luck!

What’s going on in that head of yours?

Do you have some psychological or emotional problems that you need help figuring out? LET ME HELP YOU! What’s that you said about credentials? Well, I was a psych major in college for almost an entire semester like 3 years ago. Also, I do my Tae Bo workout 3 times a week. What does this mean for you? It means that I am pretty strong and can punch you in the head, releasing any demons that may be lolligagging around in that big ol’ noggin of yours! I realize physical therapy isn’t for everyone, though, and some of you just need a good talking to. So, I invite you to ask ME, the prestigious and eternal Mayor of Boner Town, about anything you are having trouble dealing with. I will use my own life lessons and expertise in emotional fuckedness to help you feel better. Sort of like Dear Abby, except not so fucking stupid and more funny. It will also be totally anonymous unless you want me to oust you right here in the middle of the internet for being a big ol’ closeted homo nut case. HAHA just kidding! I’m sure you are totally straight, or totally comfortable with being gay, if that’s what you are. I will be the judge of these things.

So what the BANANAS CRAZY WACK JOB are you doing, man? SEND ME YOUR QUESTIONS. britanypracchia@gmail.com

OK you need an example? I can handle that. Here is a totally made up question I made up, as well as a corresponding totally made up & accurate answer that I also made up:

“I’m really sad all the time. What should I do?”

ANSWER: Well, my sad lil munchkin, let me explain to you some important facts of depression. First of all, being miserable is a full time job, so you’re going to want to clear your schedule. Quit your job if you have one (although you probably don’t because you are such a loser). Cut off all ties with friends and loved ones, they will never help you. In fact, let’s be honest here, they are probably the reason for the majority of your distraught. I know what you are thinking: “I thought misery loves company?” This is not true. Misery, in reality, is most fond of flatulence. That’s right, I said it, and I’m right. I challenge, nay, I DARE THEE, all of you out there, to find a depressed individual and fart in their presence and see if that don’t turn their frown upside down! If possible, fart directly ON them for the optimum results. If their mouth is agape, try to aim your butt fume to penetrate INSIDE their face. Now, I’m not saying that this technique will make them HAPPY, but it will certainly bring about a different attitude from that mopey, sulky, self-loathing shit they got going on. Likely, it will result in a flash of anger, potential rage may ensure, but look, they aren’t sad anymore… and you’re WELCOME.

BOOM. so come on! hit me with some Q’s cuz I’m gonna A the shit out of them.

britanypracchia@gmail.com

GREETINGS from Planet Muffdiver

Ahhhhh lesbians. I love ‘em! Who doesn’t? In the words of the wise wordsmith Drake, “Do you like girls like I do? Lez-be-honest.” Yes, lez be. They are great. For starters, they like girls and they ARE girls, at the same time. As a girl, I cannot express what a chore it is to genuinely LIKE other girls. I mean even just a little bit, like as friends. Most girls, sadly, are retarded. Now that doesn’t mean that they can’t have fun! Retarded girls actually tend to have the MOST fun because they are so fucking retarded they don’t even register the things going on around them. It’s the whole “ignorance is bliss” thing except that, in this case, “ignorance is retarded and retarded people seem pretty happy.” I would like to take a moment here to explain that in the case of Ellen and her hot wifey Portia di-whatever, they are both pretty awesome and NOT retarded, and for the record, I would be gay with either of them at any given time. Heck, I would grant both of them BONER AWARDS if I thought they were interested. The only reason I used their picture is because when I google image searched “lesbians” it was just a bunch of porn, which is disappointing. There were not any pictures of just like, two attractive lesbians chilling out together, havin’ lunch, going clubbin’, whatevs. The internet is a technological manifestation of a very dirty, old man. FOR SHAME!

So, I’m on Facebook the other day, just like any other day where I am lonely and obsessively on any number of social networking sites… when I notice this ad:

What the shit is that? Do lesbians have a special way of GREETING one another that simply cannot be done with a normal greeting card? It’s not like Hallmark is stocked up with cards that say stuff like “Hello heterosexual friend, just dropping you a line to express how much I am down with the fact that we are both only interested in sexual relationships with those of the opposite sex. Good day!” I’m not sure who is in charge of these lesbian cards but I would love a chance to write for them. Here are a few lesbian greetings I have been working on:

Normal lesbian greeting card:

Dear girlfriend,

I love your vagina a lot. Being gay with you is better than being gay with anyone else I have ever been gay with in the past. Here’s to a promising lesbian future with you!

Scissors & kisses,
Martha.

Romantic lesbian poetry card:

To my beautiful lady from another beautiful lady:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
When we are in bed
I go down on you.

Then you do it to me, too
And you have a different technique
But it’s still pretty good
Then we watch the L Word
And share some snacks.

Love,
Diana

Lesbian birthday card:

Happy Birthday to my Dearest Lesbian!

Another year has come and gone, but you are still really pretty. I think it’s funny that we can go out and people just think we are two cute girls that are just friends, but then when we get a little drunk we start making out and all the dudes in the place are like WHHHHOOOAAA! It makes me feel good to know that dudes are still into me, even though I’m totally gay for you now.

Happy Birthday!

What do you think? If you are a lesbian, please let me know if I touched base on the delicate dynamic of two girls in love. I feel like I have a lot to offer the gay community, in the way of greeting cards.

Ho Ho Ho from Boner Town

I fucking hate the holidays. I hate watching everyone get stressed out over stupid shit. I hate the cold weather. I hate the long hours of tedious retail work I put myself through. I hate having to explain to people that I’m not doing anything “for Christmas.” I hate the feeling of a year coming to a close and the sensation of not really having accomplished anything, other than physically aging. My list of grievances with this time of the year goes on & on, but of all the things I have ever hated in my life, I hate HATE the most. I hate that it requires so much time and energy. I hate the fact that your life becomes consumed by it. I hate the part where you are finally able to step back for just a minute and realize what a meritless chore it is to hate. That is the fork in the road. You are able to pick your route. You can keep yourself buried in the shit, or you can take the proverbial “high road” and move on to a happier place. It seems like such an easy choice. I mean, you would have to be a fucking idiot to choose to remain miserable, right? So why is it so hard? Even if you do decide to take the happy path, there is a detour every mile or so. Little fiery pit stops of misery that we tip toe through, just to see how sad we can get? I guess we all like a bit of pain every now and then. We are so privileged that we go out of our way to create our own struggles. We are the most ignorant beings to ever exist. So Merry Christmas, you fuckin’ heathens.

What PHRASES say about YOU

There are a lot of really dumb phrases and sayings that people like to use. They are mostly to make things more complicated and confusing. People who use them think they sound cool, but really they just sound like they don’t really know how to explain shit without the help of things they have already heard other people say.

Here is a list of commonly used phrases and a description of the type of person who uses such:

In the same token…

This basically means “at the same time,” and is used by people who can’t make up their minds. Typically, the confused individual will explain how they feel about something, and then they will say “but in the same token,” and proceed to explain how they also feel the exact opposite of what they just said. You may as well just say the first part and then add “and I’m also a liar.” Here’s an idea: how about, when there are two ways to feel about something and you feel both ways, you shut the fuck up. You can tell me how you feel about shit after you have one solid idea, ok? (see also: “I’m not racist, but…”)

Don’t beat around the bush.

This means “just get to the point,” which is pretty ironic considering it is a vague and symbolic way of telling someone to stop being vague and symbolic. I think that this phrase is used by people who hate women. I decided this because I like to take things at face value in order to dissect and laugh at them. Instead of beating around, or near the bush, this idiom suggests that you beat directly on the bush. This, naturally, invokes images of someone brutally attacking a hairy vagina. Thus, only people who wish harm on ladies use this saying. (see also: bushwackers)

Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

I have no idea what this shit means. It is used by fucking idiots. It seriously makes no sense. I looked it up and it said something about not being ungrateful, but there is no obvious hint to that at all. What the fuck is a gift horse? Who is looking inside horse’s mouths? This phrase literally translates to, “Don’t be a horse dentist.” The only logical explanation here is that a retarded person came up with this and other retarded people keep it alive, and I mean retarded as in straight up mentally challenged.

I’m not racist, but…

This phrase means “I’m totally racist,” and it is used by racists. How it works is that you just say, “I’m not racist, but,” and then you proceed to say something blatantly racist. It’s pretty simple. Go ahead, try it out. A simpler way of using this phrase is to just say, “I hate,” and then insert your favorite race to hate. An even more simple way is to just punch yourself in the mouth. Go ahead, try it out.

Kitty, Daisy, & Lewis

I had read about Kitty, Daisy & Lewis in a BUST magazine a while back, and I meant to look them up but I forgot. Luckily, my boyfriend (who is both the reason I am subscribed to BUST & far more focused than me. !UPDATE! i no longer have a boyfriend because he changed his mind about me, or something. nice job me, for putting my personal life on the internet, like an idiot.), also read about them and DID take the initiative to look them up. They are an amazing band composed of three siblings. Kitty, Daisy, and Lewis are 16, 21, and 19 (respectively). They are so awesome that they make me want to have three kids, which is a pretty monumental thing for me to say, seeing as my desired number of children has been at a steady ZERO forever. If there were a way to guarantee that my trio of offspring would turn out to be half as talented as these three, I might actually consider impregnating some lady with my ovaries. Until then, I’m just going to pretend I’m related to this band.

Heck yeah! Look at us jam! BRITANY & Kitty, Daisy, & Lewis. We so awesome.

November 6

Yep. It’s official. I am 300 months old.

BONER AWARD #3: Dana DeArmond

Dana DeArmond. Do you know who she is? She is the reason for the season, and the season is giving you a boner.

You might know Dana’s boyfriend: the internet. She runs her OWN blog at theinternetsgirlfriend.com. I always describe Dana DeArmond as “my favorite porn star,” which is totally true because she is my favorite person who does porn.. but I am honestly not super familiar with her work. I really just like HER. I mean, I have seen some of her scenes and they are definitely hot, and she is definitely better at it than 90% of the porn actresses out there.. but the real draw is that she is HILARIOUS and SMART and REALLY ATTRACTIVE all at the SAME TIME. That powerful combination of AWESOME is why she deserves a million BONER AWARDS!

I came across Dana’s MySpace a few years ago and was taken aback, first by her style, and then by her hilarious “Mail Bag” videos where she reads messages she gets from fans (and various weirdos) on MySpace. Most girls can relate to getting really weird/ridiculous/stupid messages online from random dudes.. so you can imagine how intense it is for girls in the porn business. Some of the messages are just people trying to hook up with her, like scheduling times for her to come have sex with them and promising her really grammatically confusing times.. like they totally assume that girls who do porn also have tons of free sex with anyone who asks. Some of them just say stuff like, “Hey girl send me nude pictures,” and then they include their phone number or email address. If you want to see Dana DeArmond nude, I suggest googling her. No phone number or credit card required. Pretty sure having nude pictures on the internet is part of being in the porn business. In fact, and I may be mistaken here, but I think she has actually been in VIDEOS nude… like with her VAGINA exposed and everything!!

One time I saw this clip of one of Dana’s movies where she is supposed to be at the dentist. At one point, Dana is on her knees and the dude who is supposed to be the dentist is putting his fingers in her butt. He says something cheesey like “Yeah I got 4 fingers in there, what do you think about that?” To which Dana replies, “I think you’re not really a dentist.” It was hilarious. She should be the president of ad-libbing.

Another reason why Dana is BONERworthy, is that she has NOT ONE, but TWO SPHYNX CATS! Those are the hairless ones that look like really adorable wrinkly old men with bat ears and rat tails. These cats get a lot of guff about how they look, which is retarded because people love human babies and THOSE things are really ugly. I would take a thousand hairless cats over a single human baby. Dana gets lots of people asking her why she shaved her cats. Next time I see a baby without body hair I’m going to ask its mother why she had her baby waxed.

So if you like humor or porn or hot chicks or any combination there of, I highly suggest you follow Dana on Twitter. You will not be disappointed, unless you say something really dumb to her.. at which point she will make you and her 9000 followers know what an idiot you are. So don’t be a cockbag.

Here is Dana accepting her BONER AWARD. I made her a special one with a crown & a ribbon because she is officially Boner Town royalty.

Happy Halloween

Last night, after being told that both Kroger and Wal Mart were sold out of pumpkins, I finally was bestowed a pumpkin via the helpful hand of Shanden’s boyfriend. Then, the carving commenced!

The two lady friends I carve-partied wit did these really amazing intricate images that involved paper tracing & lots of time. Behold: Shanden & Charlsie’s pumpkins (respectively)

My pumpkin, however, took like 10 minutes and looks like a retarded child who has no idea what a penis looks like did it. Behold: my magical two-sided jack-o-wack

HAPPY HALLOWEEN FROM BONER TOWN